I told Jen about Mike. She seemed happy, offered to talk to him about the scene or Daniel and her�s intentions/relationship with me, she said she wanted to help anyway she could because I told her I didn�t think he really understood the scene, but he was open to learning. I told her that I didn�t think he was ready for that, and he was taking the learning slow, and that was ok. She totally understood, and just let me know the offer was open. That made me feel good at least. ��

While talking with everyone tonight I would be lying if I said that I didn�t think of what it would be like to be there with Mike, on a little leash, hehe. But I�m respectful of his wants and needs, I�m respectful that he isn�t ready for such a thing, and that he might not even like such a thing, and that�s ok.

Hehe�K I always wondered what it would be like, if Mike saw my submissive self. Like, say I started serving Daniel, which I�m hoping will happen. (many for instances and hypotheticals to follow lol) So say that Daniel, Jen, myself and Mike went on a double date, to be the extreme dorks that we are. Say that Daniel decided to ask me to keep a higher protocol and say, random thought, serve everyone, address people differently, etc. (totally random) When I do things like this, no, when I�m ASKED to do things like this, I get into a very different headspace. I feel relaxed, calm, submissive. I feel very obedient, graceful, I feel beautiful. My demeanor changes, my smile changes, my everything changes. I don�t lose who I am, but a very different side of me comes out. A very happy side too, hehe.

I love it, I love it all. Daniel grabbed me at the Toga party, and without asking me or speaking to me about it just told me to pull my toga up so he could demonstrate the cattle prod to his friend. It was totally hot to me, I loved it, and after wards he pet my hair and told me that I did well. I love that sort of thing, yes I�m a freak, but its fantastic to me. But I digress�K

I wonder what Mike would think of that side of me. Its something not many people that I have known in the nilla world see�K its something very personal, you have to be very close with me to see it. Its odd because Mike and I have become intimate and he has seen sides of me others haven�t, even if its just for a moment, because of that intimacy, but he has never seen this side of me. He has seen it for moments, glimpses of it, but, I don�t know�K its not the same. Even John and Brandon saw my submissive side, at my birthday celebration, the side of me that, when brought out, prefers to be called �kytten� because Dharma is too powerful for it hehe. (I know I�m talking like it�s a separate entity, lol, its for effect, I do not have multiple personalities lol and I know its just another part of me! Lol not another person ;P) it�s a part of me I have been hiding from him, even though sometimes he does things that illicit me to want to slip into that submissive self, whether he means to or not, and I have to keep myself from slipping into strings of �Yes Sir� with intermittent nuzzling and head bowing lol, and sometimes its hard hehe, especially when he does those things that are such �triggers� to me, as well as huge turn ons. I�ll save myself and NOT list any of those here. Lol.

I hide it from him because I don�t think he really understands the MS/DS dynamic really, I think, like most people, he sees DS and MS relationships as very harsh and unloving, he doesn�t think a Dom and a sub can curl up together on a couch and giggle and watch a movie and act like morons together. Ofcourse I�m assuming, I have no idea, that�s just the impression I get. And I don�t want to push information on him, because I want him to know that its ok with me if he isn�t into my lifestyle, so I�m just letting that sit until he asks me about it. So, I don�t want my submissive side to come out around him, because I don�t want him to get the wrong idea, I suppose, or think odd things I don�t know what I�m saying anymore lol.

So, all that being said, lol, I wonder what he would think if he actually saw that side of me, in full force, for a longer period of time so that he got the �full effect� hehe. I mean, John and Brandon saw at the Birthday party, then again, they saw it in more of a �porno atmosphere� lol. I was tied up and being beaten while I counted �one sir! Two sir!...� and then the requisite �thank you sir!�s lol, so it wasn�t really the same. I wonder what they would think if they saw that side of me? Lol well I don�t really think about that, we don�t have an intimate relationship at all�K that would just be weird, lol, John doesn�t need to see me kneeling lol.

Eeeneeeyway.

Jen and I are going to do something for Daniel�s birthday on Wednesday, not sure what yet. Maybe I�ll bake something nummy! Its fun to say nummy. I�m supposed to be seeing Josh on Thursday, too, there are a bunch of other things going on, I don�t know what half of it is right now lol. I keep making plans and not writing them down, :X bad me, that�s how I forget and have people mad at me lol. I feel odd. I am dehydrated, I cant drink enough to stop the dehydration. I felt better after the IV the other day, though I was still dizzy, but I didn�t feel so dry. I guess there is no other word for it then that lol

I think my dizziness is stress. Above all else, I�m under a lot of stress now, and my poor eating habits don�t help. I eat very well, I just don�t eat often enough. I�m working on that though. I notice when people tell me things that are very overwhelming, or add to the list of many things I must do and are complicated, I get dizzy and feel faint. I think its just way too much for me to deal with right now. Everything is just way too much right now lol. Honestly, I really cant handle much right now. I can deal with things if their simple. I�m going to Alanon on Sunday. That�s simple. Sunday, I walk over three blocks at this time, and I go to Alanon. That�s easy, its not too overwhelming. But some of the things I want most, like College, is so overwhelming. I think �ok I have to apply to college, I have to do this this and this, then fill out all these forms, track down these teachers�K� and before I know it, I want to faint. Even going to work, work gets overwhelming because I feel like I cant do everything right there. I want to do everything right and have everyone think I�m so helpful and so good, but the more I started to miss work, the more I dreaded going, the more I felt like they where judging me. Sounds silly, I know, but I just couldn�t deal with it. I�m way too hard on myself at work. I don�t take breaks, I cut my lunch short, I just want to do good and have people be pleased with me. I�m really hard on myself, especially when it comes to work.

So�K mom called me today. I was so shocked, I didn�t know what to do or say, I just sort of stood there on the phone, stunned, I couldn�t talk. I felt under her control again as she spoke.

�I just want to know that your doing everything you need to. I heard you where in the hospital yesterday.�

I wanted to shout �I�m starving, I�m homeless, I�m struggling, and I cant even pay for college, you disowned me you heartless bitch!� but instead, I just said �I�m fine.�

�I just wanted to let you know that, you need anything, I�ll be there.� That�s when I snapped back into reality.

�You haven�t spoken to me in a year.�

�7 months. Since October, I�ve been counting the days.� (btw, since October is 10 months, she obviously cant count too well.)

�I wrote you letters.�

�just one.�

�it was 14 pages long.�

�what did you want me to say to it?�

� uh�K I don�t know, anything?�

�I thought you needed time.�

�you kicked me out!�

�no I didn�t. you needed time.�

�you where going through my room throwing my belongings out in garbage bags. You threw me and Cameron out.�

�no I didn�t. I was throwing garbage out in the garbage bags.�

�You sent me boxes full of everything I have ever owned in the entire house.�

�You asked for all that stuff.�

�no, I asked for my guitar and a painting.�

�well then you should have sent it back.�

�with what money?�

�we could have figured something out.�

�you did that to hurt me.�

�no I didn�t.�

At this point I�m so frustrated with her totally delusional attitude I don�t want to talk to her anymore, so I decide to cut it off.

�ok well I�m fine. I have to go.�

�If you need anything call me�

�yeah sure whatever fine bye.�

I didn�t know what to make of that. I kinda don�t even believe it happened. Talking to her was just�K surreal, weird�K I don�t believe it happened. Notice how this rather monumentous occasion is at the bottom of my rather uneventful entry, and probably wont be mentioned in the title either. I don�t really want to believe it happened, I�m so confused as to WHY it happened, what the hell she wanted from me, I don�t know. It was like talking to a shadow of a person, she didn�t even KNOW what happened, as usual, she had completely convinced herself into her own dream world, where I just �needed time� and that�s why she hadn�t talked to me. The woman is totally crazy. It makes my head hurt just to think of it, she makes my eyes bleed.

She had to walk over my paintings on the floor in the attic to get most of those boxes. Paintings with things like �Someday I�ll fly away from here� �my wings are broken and bloody� and �Why cant I ever be good enough?� or the more twisted ones I cant even recall. Their not hidden, boldly painted across the entire attic floor. One of my many cries for help back then, in oil paint, their not going anywhere.

She had to walk across them to pack those boxes into the courier�s car. She had to see them, walk all over them, and ignore them. Ironically, the same way she treated me when she was still in my life.

I�m not letting her back into my life. I�m not about to be treated like those floorboards again.

Ok I have to sleep I have a lot to do tomorrow, I think I�m supposed to see someone, I don�t know who, and I have to shop and clean and cook and oy. Lol.

Have a nice day guys, ttyl