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Moved - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
Moved - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
Moved - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
Moved - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
Moved - Friday, Aug. 20, 2004
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Click here and tell me what your thinking, or I'll stomp your butt!
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Sitting on my bed with my little black cat known as Pavoratti, kinda sliding off it, its slippery, I'm without emotion. I take my Zoloft, muting any emotion I may have. I hug my little teddy bear wearing silk boxers, (dont ask) and I slowly fall back into something that I thought the Amphetamines "cured", my depression. Like always, I will lie to my freinds, smile, pretend I'm okay. They want to believe your okay, so its easy to pretend your okay. I believe that wherever you go, whoever you are, people will want to believe yout just like them, healthhy wealthy and well, as they say. my cat is snoring on my lap. yes, snoring, he's a special cat. I don't know, I feel really, well, not good. I really miss being treated like someone really cares about me, I miss fealing special, fealing attractive. I hate to say this because I am like the worlds biggest feminist, but I miss having I boyfriend. I need a man, damn it. I feel kind of worthless saying that, sort of dumb, but maybe its true, maybe I need that affirmation. I guess I do, I seek it out everywhere I go, from every person I meet, and its not even like I know I'm doing it until like a day later. I hate who I am so much I can't bear memories, and I hug myself, because no one else will. slowly falling back on my words of "I'm fine, happy, deliriously happy". a warm tear dangles from my eyelash, then falls, leaving a darker spot on my black satin sheets. feeling like there isn't anything here, like this is it, my whole life feels so alone, I wonder if I'll ever have that connection, so I don't feel like this, so I don't feel so alone. I had that connection, for a while, with a friend who shall remain both name and sex-less. But with my semi-consciencious kamakazi nature, I have turned what was a great friendship, into awkward pauses and insecurities. I'm going to try to sleep, I hope I don't have too many panic attacks. PS, who ever sent me the email telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself, fuck off, its my diary, I'm allowed.
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